Forgiveness isn’t optional if we want healthy relationships. There are no enduring marriages, families, friendships, or church communities without it. People are flawed. We fail each other. And if we’re honest, we all carry a “list” of hurts we didn’t ask for.
That’s why the short New Testament book of Philemon is such a gift. In one personal letter, God gives us a clear picture of what forgiveness looks like when someone has truly wronged you—and how the gospel changes both the offender and the offended.
Pastor Mike Sanders (Senior Pastor at The Open Door Church in Chambersburg, PA) has been teaching through Philemon to help believers understand the steps of forgiveness—not as theory, but as a practical pathway for real-life pain and real-life healing.
Let’s walk through the story and the steps.
The Story Behind Philemon: A Broken Relationship in Need of Grace
Philemon was a Christian man, and Onesimus was connected to him as a servant who had done wrong. Onesimus ran away—and in the process, he apparently took property or money that did not belong to him. Philemon had every reason (humanly speaking) to be angry, guarded, and done.
But God intervened.
Onesimus crossed paths with the Apostle Paul. Through that encounter, Onesimus came to faith in Jesus Christ. His life began to change. And Paul, guided by the Holy Spirit, wrote to Philemon with a clear appeal: forgive him—receive him—restore him.
That’s where the steps of forgiveness come into view.
Step 1: Reception — Choosing to Receive Someone Again
Paul’s first major appeal is simple, but it’s not easy: receive him. (See Philemon 8–17.)
Reception does not mean pretending nothing happened. It doesn’t mean minimizing the pain. It means choosing to open the door to the possibility that God can do something real in a person’s heart.
Why reception matters
Paul makes it clear he could command Philemon, but instead he appeals “for love’s sake.” Forgiveness that is forced from the outside rarely lasts. God wants to awaken something deeper—a heart shaped by biblical love.
Reception becomes possible when there is repentance
Paul calls Onesimus his “son” in the faith—evidence that Onesimus had turned to Christ. Biblical repentance isn’t just feeling bad; it’s turning away from sin and turning toward Jesus.
And when someone truly repents, Scripture teaches us to acknowledge what God can do in a transformed heart.
Reception becomes reasonable when there is transformation
Paul even points out the change in Onesimus’ life: he was once “unprofitable” (useless), but now he is “profitable” (useful). In other words: the gospel changes people.
It may be slow at times. It may be imperfect. But we should never underestimate the transforming power of God’s grace.
Step 2: Restoration — Trusting God’s Purpose Even in the Pain
Next, Paul points to something that can be hard to hear when you’re hurting:
“Perhaps he departed for a while for this purpose…” (Philemon 15)
Paul isn’t saying the pain was good. He’s saying God is at work even in our hurts. God can use disappointment, betrayal, and brokenness to accomplish something we could not see at the time—like bringing Onesimus to saving faith.
Your pain is not pointless
One of the most powerful truths in Scripture is that God can take what others meant for evil and use it for good. Joseph’s life is the classic example (Genesis 50:20): betrayal, lies, injustice—yet God wrote a bigger story.
That doesn’t excuse what happened. It doesn’t deny the damage. But it does anchor the believer in hope:
- God can redeem what you didn’t choose.
- God can restore what sin tried to destroy.
- God can rebuild what bitterness would keep broken.
Restoration begins when we stop letting the hurt define the future—and start letting Christ lead the next step.
Why Should I Forgive?
Let’s be honest: many people are not motivated to forgive. They feel justified in holding on to anger because of what was done to them. But Philemon points us back to the true beginning of forgiveness:
1) Our motivation starts at the cross
Jesus forgave us. We have sinned against God, fallen short, and needed mercy we could never earn. And Christ went to the cross willingly—no bargaining, no strings attached—so we could be washed clean.
When you remember the forgiveness you’ve received, it reshapes the forgiveness you’re called to give.
2) Forgiveness sets you free from your past
Unforgiveness keeps you looking backward. And spiritually speaking, wherever you are looking is where you’re going.
Forgiveness is not something you “float into.” It’s a choice. And it’s not a one-time choice, either.
Every time the memory resurfaces, every time the emotions flare, every time you run into that person again—you choose, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to keep walking forward.
3) Forgiveness protects you from bitterness
Bitterness is never private. It spreads into your home, your friendships, your church family, and your spiritual life.
Scripture warns about a “root of bitterness” that grows and defiles many (Hebrews 12:15). If bitterness takes root, it becomes harder to remove with time—not easier.
Forgiveness is the antidote.
Step 3: Restitution — Making It Right When You’ve Done Wrong
Forgiveness is not only for the one who was wronged. Philemon also teaches something critical for the one who did the wrong:
Make it right.
Paul tells Philemon: if Onesimus owes you anything, “put that on my account” (Philemon 17–18). That’s restitution—taking responsibility, repairing what you damaged, restoring what you took.
Sometimes restitution is emotional: a sincere apology, a humble conversation, truthful ownership.
Sometimes it’s tangible: replacing what was broken, repaying what was taken, restoring what was lost.
And in a beautiful way, Paul’s offer to cover Onesimus’ debt mirrors the gospel itself: Jesus paid what we could not pay. He put it on His account.
Two Dangers of Unforgiveness
Philemon also forces us to face the cost of refusing to forgive.
1) Unforgiveness gives the enemy a foothold
Ephesians 4 warns us not to let anger linger—because unresolved anger can become an opportunity for the devil to disrupt and destroy.
Satan loves to take a legitimate hurt and turn it into a lifelong prison.
2) Unforgiveness hinders fellowship with God
When your heart is full of anger, resentment, and “junk,” it limits your closeness with the Lord. It dulls your prayer life. It places a lid on spiritual growth.
That’s why Jesus taught us to pray with forgiveness in view—receiving God’s mercy and extending that mercy to others.
Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Trust
One of the most freeing truths Pastor Mike emphasizes is this:
Forgiveness is a gift. Trust is earned.
If someone has been abusive or dangerous, forgiveness does not mean placing yourself back in harm’s way. Forgiveness doesn’t require you to pretend everything is safe when it isn’t.
You can forgive someone and still set boundaries.
You can forgive someone and still require accountability.
You can forgive someone and still understand that trust takes time.
Paul was not telling Philemon, “Put Onesimus in charge of everything again.” He was saying: receive him as a brother in Christ, forgive him, and let the gospel keep doing its work.
What Step Is God Calling You to Take?
As you reflect on these steps—reception, restoration, restitution—consider where you are right now.
- Is there someone you need to forgive?
- Is there someone you need to reach out to and make things right with?
- Are you stuck looking backward, when God is calling you forward?
Forgiveness is a journey. It’s a process. And the Lord will give grace for each step when you surrender your heart to Him.
And if you’ve never received Christ’s forgiveness for yourself, the gospel invitation is still open. You can’t give what you don’t have. Salvation begins when you acknowledge your sin, turn to Jesus, and trust that His sacrifice is enough to wash you clean.
Experience Hope Worth Having
At The Open Door Church in Chambersburg, PA, we believe there is always hope worth having in Jesus Christ—and the gospel not only restores our relationship with God, it heals broken relationships with one another.
If you’d like to keep growing in these biblical principles, you can follow Pastor Mike’s encouragement and connect with Hope Worth Having, and you can also sign up for daily devotions to strengthen your walk with Christ.
No matter what you’ve been through, God is still at work. And because Christ has forgiven you, you can learn—step by step—to forgive others.